It’s funny for me to think, now being a mother of three girls, that there was a time that I had planned on never having children. I mean, how could I have even thought of having children? What if what happened to me happened to them?

I was born with a rare cancer called Retinoblastoma. Retinoblastoma is a hereditary cancer that occurs because of a mutation in the RB1 gene, and because this mutation is present in all the cells of the body, including the reproductive cells, there is a 50% chance it can be passed on to the next generation, aka my kids.

My parents knew something was wrong with me by the time I was six months old. I had blue eyes at the time, but my right eye color turned brown. They tried taking me to doctor after doctor, but all of them told my parents that what was happening was normal and not to worry; however, my parents knew that wasn’t the case. As time went on and they kept searching for answers, they noticed that my right eye in pictures wouldn’t have that “red eye” effect. Then, they noticed I was blind in that eye. Finally, they met with the man who facilitated saving my life, Dr. Ronald Oseas and he told them what no parent wants to hear. I had cancer and I was dying.

How did my parents not just fall apart when hearing that their 18 month old daughter was dying from cancer? I’ve looked into the eyes of my daughters, and I can’t fathom how my parents did it. I myself have broken down crying just thinking of having that said to me about my girls (gratefully that has never been the case for which I know I am very blessed).

They started off by removing my right eye, hoping that would be the end of it, but instead they found a tumor the size of a quarter behind my eye on my brain and cancer cells in my spinal fluid. They gave me a 30% chance of surviving and IF I survived said that I would live with side effects such as not being able to have my own kids or not having depth perception due to only having one eye etc. Since the cancer was so rare, my doctors did a world wide medical search to see who else had this cancer to see if they could use any examples for direction in how to teat me, but instead they found that in the last 10 years there had only been six reported cases of the cancer that I had, and none had survived.

Along with removing my right eye, I also under went six months of chemo. I remember those days, which seems hard to believe since I was so young. I always just wanted to run away. I wanted to be left alone, to be able to express how I didn’t like how the stuff they put in my body would make me feel. I just always would run, literally. My dad would follow me while I was in a walker with my IV as I just ran and ran…I wasn’t old enough to realize that I was just running in a circle around the hospital wing, but that didn’t stop me from trying. There was this play area where they would have you wait before going back for surgery. I remember being up in this tree house play set with my parents sitting in the chairs below waiting. There was a boy up there with me and a nurse trying to ‘distract’ me with coloring, but I wasn’t foolish enough to fall for the distraction. I kept watching the door for the nurse to come take me away for surgery. Once he came, I remember sliding down the tree house slide and running, trying to get away.

Perspective is a funny thing. Looking back at that experience as a parent myself now, I realize I was being a difficult butthead and stressing out my poor already exhausted parents, but at the time, I just wanted to get away. To be free. Those feelings still influence me to this day. I run every day, it’s how I cope and process life and how I feel free. I’m also so grateful to have been blessed to be born in a country that offers and protects my freedom.

When your life is spiraling out of control, it’s funny the things we choose to hold onto to give us a sense of control. I had this sailor white and blue striped swimsuit with an anchor on the front that I ALWAYS wore. It was always such an ordeal if the nurses had to access my port over my heart to give me medicine because it involved slipping my swimsuit down my shoulder, I was quite infamous for it.

I’m so grateful for so many people who loved me and did all they could to save me. All the nurses, my parents and family, Dr. Oseas and God. I believe in God and His Son Jesus Christ. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and part of the gospel that I believe in is the power of priesthood blessings; which, the priesthood is the power and authority that God gives to man to act in all things necessary for the salvation of God’s children. When my parents found out that I was sick and dying, my dad along with other male family members and my Bishop at the time gave me a priesthood blessing. Through it, God blessed me to not only live but to be protected from any side effects of my cancer treatments. When I was declared cancer free, all who knew me at the time, my family and friends, my doctors and nurses, and those who had only heard of me without a shadow of a doubt knew that me living and being healed was a miracle of God. I was suppose to die, but thanks to God I lived.

The miracle that I lived has been perpetual and begat other miracles that I never would have thought of. My whole life growing up I had determined that I would never have children of my own. How could I? I couldn’t risk my own children having to go through what I had. I am so grateful for my cancer experience now because I know it made me who I am and I wouldn’t take that back, but that doesn’t mean I could handle seeing my own children go through it, and that’s assuming I could even get pregnant if I tried.

My husband loved me and married me despite knowing this and as such he has been instrumental in me being able to heal and overcome feeling like damaged goods, for which I will forever be grateful to him. Then, despite this background, after we got married we both felt like the right thing was for us to try to have a baby. Let me tell you, that was one of the scariest things of my life! Having a child to begin with is scary, but then add in my history and I was terrified. What if they were disfigured because of the chemo I had undergone? What if they had what I had? I had so many fears and what if’s, and somehow in the midst of all that I felt the peace that comes from Jesus Christ enter my heart and I felt God bring to my remembrance the healing priesthood blessing I had been given as a child and the miracle that I am. I felt Him encourage me to trust Him and His healing power and to have the faith to have a child. That there was a little baby that needed my unique love and nurturing. I decided to have faith, and to have not one child but three. Each are the definition of health in every way, and THAT is a miracle. Doctors used to marvel at my healing, and now they marvel at my beautiful and healthy daughters.

I can’t express how great my gratitude is that I had the faith to follow that prompting from God and to have my children. They are my miracles. Each time I look into their beautiful clear healthy eyes, I see the power of God. I see the truth of miracles in todays world. God blessed me with the miracle of my own life and then through that miracle blessed me with three beautiful little girls who are each their own miracle.

Dr. Oseas passed away when I was eleven. That was the hardest I had cried up to that point in my life. I loved that man. He saved my life. I often think of him, wondering how he is doing in Heaven. I wonder if he ever comes to check up on me, and if he does, I wonder if he marvels at the miracle of my life and of my daughters.

I know that God loves us and that Jesus Christ lives. I know that there is no greater gift than that of having children. I know that no matter where you are in your life’s journey, God knows you and loves you and that if you allow Him, that He will guide you and comfort you and give you the answers that you seek.

Alicyn

PS: If you would like to learn more about Dr. Oseas or the Nevada Childhood Cancer Foundation that he founded and was instrumental to my emotional healing from cancer, please visit this website! https://nvccf.org/history

PS: If you would like to learn more about God, please visit this website! https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/comeuntochrist