I’m That Mom

Homeschooling is such an interesting thing. I’ve never experienced anything that elicits such a wide range of feelings. One moment I'm so excited and following as many other “crunchy” moms on instagram as I can. I mean, why wouldn’t I homeschool? This just makes sense! It's going to be so great and my children are going to have such a well rounded education full of rich life experiences! Next, I'm rocking in a corner in the fetal position trying not to have a panic attack under the crushing weight of the responsibility of my children’s entire education on my shoulders. Am I crazy? Why am I doing this? What if I'm not enough? What if my children don’t learn everything they should? What if they fall behind their peers? Will they be socially weird?

So you might ask, Why do I do it? Why do I homeschool? Why should YOU homeschool? Should you homeschool??

Homeschooling is a journey, one that has many different sceneries, many different paths, but never really any destinations. This whole “no real destination” thing is hard for my Type A checklist personality; however, I’ve come to realize that it’s the best thing about homeschooling. Learning never ends; it’s a perpetual part of our divine nature.

I’m sure at this point you are probably wondering if I’m going to ACTUALLY get to something helpful. Hopefully telling my and my children’s story of our homeschool journey up to this point will be helpful!

My oldest is currently 7 years old and in first grade. We homeschooled for preschool because let's be honest, preschool is expensive and I was confident I could handle it just fine. Also, the thought of being away from my 4 year old was just too sad. Preschool was like dipping your toes in to test the pool temperature before jumping in. What did my toes decide? That homeschooling wasn’t too bad!

Then kindergarten came along, and along with it a lot more pressure to “do a good job”. Or in other words, crap got real. My daughter’s birthday is at the end of the year so that meant that she wouldn’t start kindergarten till she was basically 6. She was smart and eager to learn, and since we had preschool under our belts and success with it, we decided to do what I called an ‘extended kindergarten with no real consequences’. We would do a kindergarten homeschool program and do everything as if she was really a kindergartener, knowing she wasn’t ACTUALLY a kindergartener YET. I felt confident going down that path because if we failed, she could go to ‘real’ kindergarten in public school along with all the other kids her age as if the whole “homeschool thing” had never happened and no one would know the wiser.

Through all of this and during the “trial kindergarten year” there was A LOT of trial and error…and still more error to the point that day to day it felt as if there wasn't much success happening, if at all. Along with my 7 year old, I have three other little ones as well that I was juggling teaching/entertaining all while trying to “really” focus on my oldest. I learned during this time to really give myself and my kids grace, and to be ok with not always having what I felt qualified as a successful day, but to understand that every day spent with my kids and all of us learning together was a “successful” day. I learned to see our learning as a big giant landscape portrait, if you looked closely at one spot on the landscape portrait it might not make sense, much like any one day might not look like a success, but if you zoom out and look at the whole of the picture it is breathtaking and beautiful, just like how when you look back over time you see the success and beauty that homeschooling is.

When it came time for my oldest to start “real” kindergarten we had moved states and frankly I wasn't confident in our new state’s education system. Thanks to our journey up to this point, I felt confident enough to not just dip my toes in but walk down a couple steps into the pool. I definitely wasn’t ready to jump in yet, but a couple steps in I felt like I could give “real” homeschool a try and if maybe we found a better school or moved or something (we move a lot) that I could step back out still dry and able to put my shoes back on and put her in a school system. We ended up homeschooling for her whole kindergarten year, had a blast and made tons of memories AND my daughter passed her end of the year evaluation that was required with flying colors! I was so happy! She graduated kindergarten at a mid 1st grade level!

It’s so funny how despite all the experience that I had up to this point as proof that what we were doing was working and everyone was happy and thriving, I STILL felt inadequate. I STILL felt like what I was doing was second rate to the ideal, which would be putting her in the school system. I STILL hadn’t embraced what my heart knew was our truth. As such, I was looking for somewhere that I could put her in the system so she could finally thrive.

Let’s pause here for a second.

I have been asked many times “What does it feel like to homeschool?”

OK, let me see if I can adequately describe how I feel about homeschooling. Imagine you are just living life. Everything is great and dandy, you love your husband and you have a sweet new little baby. That baby is growing and getting bigger every day, you know they will one day go to school because that's just what kids do, but that day isn't here yet so you don't worry about it. Then BAM! Your little one is now 5. Wait what?? How are they old enough to go to school?? It feels impossible that your little baby is big enough to go out into the world all day without you, but that’s what everyone is not only telling you is true but that it’s the best thing you can do for your child. So you trust all those voices around you despite this ball of lead that is forming in your stomach.

Let’s use our imaginations as I try to adequately express how this all felt. Let’s say all those opinions and rules and expectations take you to this cliff with a huge canyon and all the way across the canyon you see the other side, which is where school is. You’re nervous and holding your child's hand in a death grip because you see danger ALL around. Surely this can't be good for your child or safe! However, all those voices and opinions shove your common sense down by smothering it in shame. Of course this is safe! Not only that but it's the best thing for your child! See all the other parents and kids here? You should feel ridiculous and shameful for even entertaining any preposterous ideas otherwise.

So, you ignore your heart and mind and you look around to see what you are supposed to do, and to your horror you see all these parents and children walking across tightropes to the other side! Surely this is madness! Where is the logic in this?? Has anyone tested the safety of those ropes?? Wait a second, why hasn’t anyone come up with a better and safer way to get across?? You feel frustration and doubt and anger that there aren’t any answers for these questions and those who you are told to go to for “answers” simply dismiss you. You aren’t happy about it, but what can you do? This is the only option you have, the only other option you have is to say no and to follow your heart and mind, but you want what's best for your child and you just aren't sure you can give them all that this system could. So you grab your child's hand and you start to cross.

It's dangerous, your child is crying, you’re unsure, it disrupts your family life and time…is this really what's best?? That lead in your stomach feels heavier with each step. What if...what if we say no? What if instead of crossing this perilous chasm we jump and fly? What if we are meant to fly? What if we don’t need a tightrope or a bridge or anything to get to the other side?? What if all those means to cross are really just holding us back and smothering who we really are? What are we really capable of?? What if everyone can fly but we have been told we can't our whole lives and so we don't?

Now, let’s go back to where we paused.

This is the moment I faced with my daughter. Between kindergarten and 1st grade we moved again and this time we had school options that I thought would be a good thing for us. So we found a great school to put her in, and you know what, she did great. She was getting 90 or higher on all her assignments or tests. She interacted with her classmates well and was well liked and she adjusted to the rigorous schedule. I was so proud of her and all she accomplished and learned, but you know what else happened? She was withering, dimming and folding in on herself. All of the sudden she was full of self doubt, limitations and this toxic scarcity mentality. She started to fear failing or messing up and therefore she was scared to take chances or try new things. She also experienced a lot of emotional abuse at the hands of those who were supposed to be teaching her and guiding her. She was scared to use the bathroom because of the big boys that were in there when she was. She stopped eating her lunch because she was uncertain when it would be used against her as a punishment and she stopped playing at recess because she witnessed a child get hurt but no one was outside to help until recess was over and then when they were let back inside the child was ridiculed by their teacher for being a baby. When my daughter broke down crying the night of Halloween after a fun filled evening making core childhood memories, that was the moment. I was standing on this precarious tightrope holding my daughter's hand for WHAT? Was this what I wanted for her? Do I want her light and soul dimmed forever? It was that moment that I finally decided to trust my heart and mind and together we jumped and you know what happened? We soared.

I became “that mom” that puts her kid in, only to then take them out after two weeks. I used to say that I would NEVER pull my kid mid year. We had to stay committed to whichever we chose to do for that year no matter what, we could reevaluate for the next year if needed, but we had to stick to one or the other. Well, you know what they say, never say never!

So what does it feel like to homeschool? It feels like flying together with your child to heights and places you never thought possible but that are so inherently RIGHT that every day you are full of happiness as you both become all that you are meant to be.